Then I found myself back in tune with the sermon and felt emotion stirring [again]. I'm supposed to be investigating my happiness right now and questioning if I am being held back from life by things in my life (funny that). (This is what I took from my last counselling session.) So I have been trying to dig, but not dig too much, into what I could do to be happier. The sermon "So What?" was a kind of look at What has God made me to do? I've been thinking again about music things.
There are things I want to see and I want to happen that I really can't do anything about--is there anything I can actually do? Even if there is, I'm kind of tired to doing. I am a doer by nature and today I feel like giving up on figuring out what I can do! I ended up at home and after lunch and a taste of Bollywood film (an indulgence I enjoy on some Sunday afternoons) I again retreated to my room and brought this all up with God. This song came to mind and the funny thing was that it is my own song, written eight years ago in India for a friend who was crying from physical pain (food related). I went and dug out my folder of self-composed songs and started with this one. It was interesting that it changed its meaning for me today--from a fun, cheer-up-my-friend song to a bit of a prayer. Then I tried another one that I wrote eleven years ago! It seemed better than I remembered. Then there was one that I've always liked that, this afternoon, I found hard to sing through. Funny how six years later, I'm still feeling the same way about the same things.
In the pile were a couple of poems that my brother wrote while I was in Derby ten years ago on my YWAM DTS and that I later put music to. He had actually emailed these to me while I was away from home for the first time and today I was able to read over what he had written me. I always remember my brother being soo much older than me yet, here are his words from his younger self--younger than I am now! And today they were special and encouraging to read again.
Finally I came across a printed email that I had written to a friend of mine during this same time. I had just come back to England from six weeks in Brazil and I was excited, inspired and filled up. Today as I read my own words from my eighteen year old self, I was pushed to more tears. I was writing to encourage my friend and to testify to what all God was doing around and in me and today, I ended up encouraging my ten year older self. Well, I'm not exactly sure if I am encouraged. I am deeply touched. I am amazed at how what I wrote then applies to how I feel now. I have this letter beside me right now and every time I look at it to perhaps pull out something that is touching me, I get all teary again. I think I will just continue to mull over my words!
I could look at my eighteen year-old self as young and untouched by pains and disappointments. Nevertheless, the words I wrote then are still truths and I must take these words to heart. The experiences I had during that time of my life were very real and I should hold to them and build on them, not brush them aside. I can scarcely comprehend the wisdom coming from the mouth of my eighteen year old self. Weird how God can speak to you through your past self. It's kind of like an episode of Heroes!
(This is me then. Hippy hair, plaid checked polyester man pants, a shirt with the Play Doh logo on it saying "Pray Mo'", the orange bowling shirt and my "I'm Po' But I'm Proud Shirt". Sigh.)
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