A few weeks ago I felt urged to go back and read through my old journals. Mostly I was searching for things that God spoke to me about over the years. In doing this, I was struck by the amount of "writing" I did. Here is one I especially liked from August 27, 2003:
There's a place where my joy is overflowing
Won't You take my hand and lead me there?
A place where I am full
A time when hope soars
And my desires and I make sense.
And in a very different tone, this is me journalling on April 6, 2004:
Me at just myself, that is me without any added strength or goodness, has a definite look. Tired, dreaming, introverted, independent, decisive....
Me with some added graces is much more dependable, considerate, patient, observant.
And where am I right now?
Just barely at myself.
As can be imagined, the two days of reading, reflection and retrospection was very life-giving. Just what I needed. Not to mention the wonderful gift of actually finding words spoken to me from God. And I am in a renewed place of listening more closely again. Trying to find a new path can be a scary place and it was so good to be reminded that I have passed through scarier things.
I am doing my best to embrace the transition and the search; and now, once again, needing to big-time trust in my dependable God. In fact, that statement reminds me that it was during another time of re-reading journal entries from 2001 a year later, that I set them to music; a nice little worship song I may teach the church if I ever feel inspired:
You are constant, my one only stability
Confusion comes, but You hold still
As the Unchanging.
You have brought clarity and Your insight in the past
And You will do it again
You have met my needs in the past
And You will provide again.
Always and forever, You will be faithful
Always and forever, You will be faithful
Always and forever, You will be faithful
And You will provide again
If ever there could be a chance for me
To possess as much faith in You
As there is continually
Shown faithfulness from You
I would save myself from myself
And my doubting tendencies
And I would be more like You
Oh faithful One, so unchanging
Always and forever, You will be faithful
Always and forever, You will be faithful
Always and forever, You will be faithful
And You will provide again
Now, to tie this together...There is a piece of paper tucked in the front of my Bible that I wrote at a camp in June 2005. It is basically a list of goals/things I want to do. There are nine things listed and I have completed one (which I didn't realize was on the list until later)! The fifth thing listed is, "I want to write more (not including songs)." What I meant by the brackets, was that song-writing was already a given (being a part of thing number four--"I want to have a band that writes, records and performs [in small venues]"). See, as a kid, I wrote stories. I even won a Creative Writing award at age eight. And in high school, I think I actually liked writing essays. I'm not sure how this all unravels out and what kind of writing I want to do, but I also know that as a kid, I read a lot. A lot of fiction that is. Even though I continue to have a growing library, I think my passion for reading dwindled a bit as I became an adult and tackled non-fiction and theological books. I have so many books purchased with bookmarks stuck partway through them. However, this month I have devoured a couple of novels. (Yes, I did just read Twilight and I did it in less than a day.) I also signed out a poetry book from the university library.
So I was kind of meditating on the idea of and word "Immanuel" and then attempted to compose a poem, which then ended up more like a song. In the way that the words won't come across the greatest until they are set to music. So I'll leave that one until I get some music ideas....
But back to that list...I have made some decisions to go after two other things. "I want to learn more Spanish, Portuguese and French. Maybe actually through immersion" and "I would like to complete some more formal education". I have decided to do these simultaneously and declared a Language major today. (Gonna try for a Music Minor in there too.) I'm kind of late for this, but the details are coming together fairly smoothly! Feeling good.
(I had been applying to Office Manager/Administration/Bookkeeper/Program Manager kind of jobs. Applied for 23 in total since the third week of May. Came very close to one last week, but then didn't get it. In the words of my Facebook status tonight, "Beth Morgan gave up then gave in and feels good about it." Seriously.)
