I went to a funeral this morning and I am glad I went. My experiences with funerals have mostly been in my childhood and they are not pleasant memories. The service today was really nice and even though I didn't particularly know the deceased, I was moved by the Eulogy and the pastor's reflection on our Hope. Disease and death are not going to win in the end--they are not a part of God's kingdom, Hallelujah! Alzheimer's had already taken this man from his family slowly over the last fifteen years and it was moving to hear how his family have really been "robbed" of getting to know their father, father-in-law and grandfather. Afterward, a man from the church who has regularly been checking in on how things are going with my mom, asked me if I could somewhat relate to this family's story today. Perhaps this question may have offended me at one point, but really, I did relate somewhat. In the New Year, I officially decided to see a counsellor and my first session left me feeling sad with the reality that yes, I am having to begin grieving over my mom. Even though she is still alive, the mom I have known may never return. (Certainly this was a sad thing to point out, but I am still thankful for the help I know these counselling sessions will be as I likely have a long haul ahead of me through this.) Seeing this family grieving today was actually good for me I feel.
Grief is an odd thing I guess. I guess I do somewhat feel in a perpetual state of sadness. It's not just the mental state of my mom, there are other losses, pain and disappointments happening around in my life too. And I get tired of being sad. But it is real. And I believe that God (and likely this counsellor) is and will help me to cope and manage this. Friends help too.
I want to give thanks for the times of reprieve from the sadness. I blogged on December 7 some very sad things, but the very next day I met someone nice and was surprised by some joy. My depressed morning slumps were broken, amazingly. And Christmas was rough, but returning home and joining in on another family's celebration was joyous. This week was my mom's birthday and the first time I'd seen her since Christmas. It wasn't a great visit, but again, I was surprised--a doctor from a Mental Health Centre coincidentally was there and I had the opportunity to speak with him. Something practical, which helps a lot when I struggle with feeling unable to DO anything.
I had to do something the other day that I've never quite had to do before and it was really hard. But it was right. It's requiring a lot of trusting on my part--trusting that I'm hearing my heart and hearing God correctly. And trusting God STILL that he has something/someone more/better for me. I guess again I'm disappointed and sad. But the same day I woke up feeling this way, I heard a radio sermon titled Grace When I'm Disappointed. How timely, once again. Looking at Elijah and how he got depressed, I am reminded how I need people and how I need to recognize goodness, blessings, faithfulness and provision. So yes, here I am: Sad, but thankful. Disappointed, but hopeful. There is grace.
