I've Got the Month of May

Today is Victoria Day, or the holiday Canadians affectionately call "May 2-4 weekend". It is one of those days where it is warmer outside than in and I took advantage of the day off and the sun. For a few weeks now, I have been revelling in what I see around me. Indeed, this is one of the few months of May that I have actually been at home
(1999 - England
2000 - Mexico
2001 - Macedonia
2002 - Brazil
2003 - Brazil
2004 - Ontario
2005 - Guatemala & Ontario
2006 - Thailand & Cambodia)
and I have been strolling around Waterloo, taking it all in.

Being Mom's Little Girl

It hit me today that I miss my mom. It hit me and it broke me. Then after a five-hour car ride that should have only been a two-hour ride (here's that story), I saw her, shared my tears and thoughts with her and have come out a little better.

I know that I come across to practically everyone that I am this strong, independent woman. Today on Mother's Day, it hit me that I needed mothering. An overwhelming ache as I drove and drove and drove. As I drove and saw so many families, couples--happy people making the most of inching along the road on a Sunday afternoon. As I drove and felt lonely. Alone, shifting those gears up, then down. Changing the tunes. Turning off the tunes. Kind of aching and wanting my mom.

(And then being afraid that when I did finally make it to Barrie, she may not be there for me. And she may need me. And the roles may still be reversed.)

It's taken many years, I guess. As teenagers, girls often want to be as far away as possible from their moms. I was like that off and on. Clashes with my mom were not uncommon, especially as I demanded more independence and she swung into more of her manic stages. At sixteen, having had my license for only one month, my parents trusted me enough to let me drive their car with two friends twelve hours to Pennsylvania for our first big "Independence Trek"--camping for a week at a music festival! At eighteen, I moved across the Atlantic and didn't come back for nine months! At nineteen, I moved to Kitchener (in the dodgiest area of the city, mind you) and figured out the city life completely on my own.

It's almost like I've always seen independence as this amazing trait, something to go after. Yet, I remember the first time my closest friend challenged me with the fact that we are not born independent and the actual created design is that humankind be interdependent. I need to let myself need others. I have sought after this more and more in my relationships. (I know I have improved and I hope that those around me would agree. I hope that those that really know, see me as someone not always strong...) Except not so much in my relationship with my parents.

It hit me today that my mom hasn't called me for a long time. She used to call often and try to chat with me. And by try, I mean that I would just sit there and listen. Never offering much of my own self, my own life. Even when asked. Classic case of kid coming home from school to a mom sincerely asking, "How was your day?" and the kid says, "Fine," and goes up to their room.

And today it hit me and it broke me. I wish I could have the chance again to pour out my life to my mom on the phone. Why have I assumed for so long that my parents only need me? Why have I not let myself need them?

Anyway, like I said, this day has a happy ending. I saw my mom and I told her I missed her. I told her I realized I never talked very consistently to her on the phone and I wished she would call again so I could talk to her. I told her that I was sad. I told her that I was feeling lonely. I asked her for advice. I told her what she could pray for for me. I asked her to pray with me and she did. I showed her pictures from my life recently. I showed her my new dress and my new haircut. I lay beside her on her bed for two hours and she held me, stroked my hair (something I used to cringe away from) and loved me. She told me, "Don't cry, Bethy. It's ok."

"God, thank you for nudging me to let myself need my mom. Thank you that my mom is actually my mom right now. Thank you for bringing her along as you are. As I have prayed/sang in the past when that wasn't the case, thank you that you are my Heavenly Mother.

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast
But I will stay
The same through past the same in future the same today

I am constant
I am near
I am peace that shatters all your secret fears
I am holy
I am wise
I’m the only one who knows your heart’s desires
Your heart’s desires

Oh weary tired and worn
Let out your sighs
Drop that heavy load you hold cause mine is light
And I know you through and through
There’s no need to hide
I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother
While you rest."
***

I Gave In

Joined Facebook tonight. Sigh. More time spent online. You have to admit though, it's pretty cool. Excellent to see the Global Youth Network group (with lots of alumni, current travellers and photos)! Then there's the many lost high school friends...yikes. I hope they contact me first. :)

I also rented a Renault diesel, manual wagon today! To be picked up in Paris in July! Very exciting stuff. As much as I would have loved to take the train, this is going to be an excellent deal and we can tread off the beaten path as much as we'd like and not be on specific schedules. Next step, find some affordable accommodation in Paris.

I really love how God is one step ahead of me. Once again, on the topic of employment, he is spot on! I've been contemplating an extra summer job lately and wonder of wonders, a friend approached me today to tell me that the boss of the sign shop I have previously worked at is looking to hire someone. And my friend mentioned me to him without knowing that I may even be interested.

Now even though I had been thinking about a farm job over the summer (seriously, I like weeding, the heat and the sun), the way that this topic randomly came up is striking me as a bit of a possible God thing. God even has a sense of humor, since one of my trained tasks at the sign shop is actually called "weeding"!

I have story after story of how God faithfully has provided income and/or employment at just the time I needed it. Ever since I joined this crazy YWAM/Global world. There were my days at The Pita Pit--as low-paid as it was, it was flexible and exactly what I needed at the time. Then right as that shop closed up, there was this sign job opportunity which also was flexible and a marvelous blend of fun, technicality and art! Then one day, there was no more work there. But when I started to be concerned, these ESL tutoring jobs came up. Then the students all went back to Korea, but Global got its act together a bit and started helping us out!

Now there's school and holiday costs to cover and here my most amazing Friend goes. He's so generous, I love it!

"For God is sheer beauty,
all-generous in love,
loyal always and ever."