Love...

Since returning, I have had a couple conversations that have helped me see deeper into what God is speaking to me. If I've been this affected by what I perceive as God's disinterest in my desires, I must really have an inaccurate view of God. Like, you know how people tend to pray more when we're in trouble or when we have needs? Well, I think I've been viewing that as a serious fault, that I have to be at a level where I just converse with God all the time. It has been brought to my attention that God loves to help and doesn't look down on me when I ask for help. (James 1:5)

Then, I have realized that a discussion we had at our church small group awhile back affected me and how I perceived God's bothering about my life--or lack thereof. Well, someone in Brazil pointed out Psalm 37:23 in her version that says, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

Being on a YWAM base, around DTS students and around a church team really served to point out to me just how cynical I have become. I don't just "follow hard" after God anymore, uninhibited. I am guarded. I look at others and their expressions of worship and service with criticism. When I reflect on my own DTS nearly ten years ago, I tend to think of myself as so much more advanced and mature now. Less naive. But now I am thinking, what's wrong with a little innocence? What's wrong with a little recklessness? Sure I am still a quiet Canadian who really has no desire to run around shouting, "Gloria a Deus!" all the time and I'm pretty sure I'm not cut out for praying in my room for hours a day, but does that mean I should look at others who do this as folks somehow missing something that I have?! What?! What do I have? Well, I have the gift to be able to lead others in worship while not actually being able to worship God myself. How special is that?! Sounds kinda fake. Seriously, if people are acting out of love, then their actions must be good. I need to take a lesson about following hard after God. Again.

There was a song that I honestly and deeply sang nine years ago that wholly expressed how I felt about God. "You are my passion. Love of my life. Friend and companion, my lover. All of my being longs for your touch. With all my heart, I love you. Now will you draw me close to you? Gather me in your arms. Let me feel the beating of your heart. Oh my Jesus. Oh my Jesus." At some point, I decided the song was too sappy and I don't feel that it has been my song in a long time.

There was a man on the team who sincerely has had a real revelation of the Love of God. Every time he talks about God's love, he is overcome with emotion. And with this revelation he has, God has blessed him to be able to give love out in plenty. I was always hearing him tell the Brazilians, adults and children, that he loved them. With deep-felt sincerity. And his presence affected people too. They were blessed. This man began telling me repeatedly how much I was an inspiration and blessing to him and he would passionately pray for me. I received this, but it wasn't until I was home and talked with my friend about all this, that I realized how humbling that is. I have decided to let him inspire me. I know that I need this kind of powerful revelation that he has had about the love of God.

If I really understood the love of God, I would be filled with it and I would have more love to give. I would have no trouble telling the children from the shelter who so desperately deserve to hear it back that, "I love them too." I couldn't do it. I think that I have done so many trips and met so many people, that I have guarded my heart from allowing myself to give love. It is too hard to leave otherwise. But, if I really understood God's love, I would be filled with it, and I would trust that he would fill me back up after I passed on love to others who need love.

If I really understood God's love, I would rest in it. I would look at my present situation differently and would trust that God actually does have the best in mind for me. So yeah, this is where I am trying to get to. Now that I have realized I am not there at all.

O melhor de Deus ainda está por vir. Eu sei que chegará minha vez. Minha sorte Ele mudará. Eu creio.