It's midnight and I'm surprised I am awake. Our Orientation weekend wrapped up today, with the final team (out of 18) leaving the camp at 4 pm. We were able to get things packed up and cleaned up and got out of there shortly after. Then we did our annual dinner treat as staff and remaining volunteers. Good times. It actually really was a good Orientation weekend for me. I'm so accustomed to hearing from all of the participating students over the years, just how much they look forward to and love these mass events--January Leader's Retreat, Orientation, etc. while for me, they have come to embody extreme exhaustion! Finding yourself mumbling and stumbling by the end of it! Definitely not looking forward to it. This weekend was different than that!
About a month ago it occurred to me that the amount of work to actually organize these teams and get things set for their month away was overwhelming enough and that I couldn't handle organizational responsibilities for this Orientation event on top of all of that. And wow. What a difference letting go made. I really enjoyed myself. Sure, I'm still tired, but I feel good. I feel happy.
I feel affirmed in my new big life change decision. Haven't blogged about it yet, but a few weeks back, I was quite suddenly inspired to make a big change. To let go. To give up. To do what I need to do for me. And yes, there are little things that keep confirming this decision. Letting myself let go of "doing" and running myself to the ground was just what I needed to do to make it through this weekend and to even have the added blessing of enjoying myself and really connecting with people. Deciding to make a "career" change after nearly ten years is what I need to do.
The threat of the "swine flu" pandemic and the subsequent, incessant stress of participants' parents last week really wore me down and I found myself still "working" in my head when I went home. Even lying in my bed, I couldn't silence the thoughts of "doing". My head is quite often in overload with thoughts around work and things to remember to do, even when I shouldn't be focused on tasks or work. I think it's one thing that makes me hard to work with sometimes, in that I will often just blurt things out, interrupting others, to bring up whatever task happens to pop into my head at that moment; as if speaking it out will keep me from forgetting it and bring someone else into my overloaded head space. On this particular evening last week, I was so aware of my bringing-work-home-ness that I tried to consciously change my thoughts to something else. The next subject that came to mind was family. And as we know, that isn't any less stressful!
So yeah, too much work on my plate, too much family stress, unhappiness...what can I change? I decided that work was something I could change and that I hit this place where I really needed to. Again, this did catch me by surprise since for months, I've been saying how work is one area in my life that is good and where I have some fulfillment. It seems to me that something got peeled back and revealed to me one day out of the blue that this really wasn't the case. Certainly a lot of emotion went around in having this revelation and in having to make this decision, but it is right. And I know it and feel it. And in a good way even more after this weekend. It was nice to let go, to hang out and take it all in. To embrace the community again and not sweat the details.
