Short thoughts...

Was driving home tonight from a dinner with friends and a visiting family who are missionaries in Asia and doing some thinking.  First, was thinking about me and kids, how I'm more into them than ever (I played with their little girl for a long while and spent some time with some friends and their babies earlier today).  I truly like being the auntie.  (At the same time, it's not easy having to wait to be a mom.)

Second, I caught this short shpeal on the radio about our hearts and how we can use our passions to determine what our ministry can be.  Funny because I used to say the same thing at the YWAM DTS's I taught at.  And here was a little reminder for me to think about this again.  What came to my mind was how I've always enjoyed hanging out and talking with those in the downtowns of cities, whether they be homeless or not.  Just making friends and acknowledging people.  I've enjoyed those conversations in many cities around the world, particularly in my culture (including Canada, US and England).  Yet, I haven't really found a way to incorporate this into my own life in my own city.  I think I'm gonna try again.  (I know it's not easy though as a single woman--had some interesting, tricky experiences when I moved to Kitchener's downtown in 1999 and tried to be "friendly like Christ" to those I met (who seemed to all be men).)

Third, was thinking how I should follow through with this Mexican family I know here and spend some time hanging out and practicing Spanish.  This week while presenting to high school French classes and evaluating applicants' level of French (for my summer job), I was struck again with how far I have to go in my own learning.  My speaking [confidence] sucks!  When I have the option (like we do here), I revert to English.  Erg.  Even in Montreal last month, I attempted to find this yummy wine and gave up trying in French and switched.  Then didn't speak much French again after that.  Well, I ordered my lunch of crêpes....

The program I'm in encourages the students to study "abroad" for the third year.  I keep looking at it, but right now I'm mostly interested in going to Quebec City, to Laval.  France just seems to far for me right now.  We'll see.  I have some time.

This week I got clearance from the department for an exception: they're going to let me study Portuguese at another school and count it toward my degree!  Yay!  Very happy about this.  Wasn't feeling the existing options (Italian, German, Arabic).  And Portuguese was one of the languages on the list of goals that partly got all of this started.

Ok, fourth.  I've been wanting to post this song, because I like it and keep playing it over while driving. I doubt if the video is any good, but just take a listen.  (Notice the Canadian accent on "shouted".  It actually took me awhile to figure out what the word was!)

Matt Maher, Alive Again

Bah humbug

Phew, what a roller coaster. The last few days ended up being about the worst I have experienced in my life so far. No over-dramaticism. I'm trying to recover today in my introverted-self way, while trying to still let myself receive from friends. It is very difficult to navigate this season of joy when you are emotionally and physically exhausted and just seriously in pain. (I don't think I am even aware of how tired I am--I just feel kind of wrung out.) I want to be real and honest about where I am at, but I don't want to dampen anyone else's happiness.

Tomorrow I have to lead worship at church, so help me God! Actually, thanks be to God still. My drive back to Waterloo was once again good for me to "release all" and to receive from God. This song came on the radio and I'm thankful. (I'm not a huge fan when people make cheesy videos, so maybe just listen to the song!) :)


By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North

Love...

Since returning, I have had a couple conversations that have helped me see deeper into what God is speaking to me. If I've been this affected by what I perceive as God's disinterest in my desires, I must really have an inaccurate view of God. Like, you know how people tend to pray more when we're in trouble or when we have needs? Well, I think I've been viewing that as a serious fault, that I have to be at a level where I just converse with God all the time. It has been brought to my attention that God loves to help and doesn't look down on me when I ask for help. (James 1:5)

Then, I have realized that a discussion we had at our church small group awhile back affected me and how I perceived God's bothering about my life--or lack thereof. Well, someone in Brazil pointed out Psalm 37:23 in her version that says, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

Being on a YWAM base, around DTS students and around a church team really served to point out to me just how cynical I have become. I don't just "follow hard" after God anymore, uninhibited. I am guarded. I look at others and their expressions of worship and service with criticism. When I reflect on my own DTS nearly ten years ago, I tend to think of myself as so much more advanced and mature now. Less naive. But now I am thinking, what's wrong with a little innocence? What's wrong with a little recklessness? Sure I am still a quiet Canadian who really has no desire to run around shouting, "Gloria a Deus!" all the time and I'm pretty sure I'm not cut out for praying in my room for hours a day, but does that mean I should look at others who do this as folks somehow missing something that I have?! What?! What do I have? Well, I have the gift to be able to lead others in worship while not actually being able to worship God myself. How special is that?! Sounds kinda fake. Seriously, if people are acting out of love, then their actions must be good. I need to take a lesson about following hard after God. Again.

There was a song that I honestly and deeply sang nine years ago that wholly expressed how I felt about God. "You are my passion. Love of my life. Friend and companion, my lover. All of my being longs for your touch. With all my heart, I love you. Now will you draw me close to you? Gather me in your arms. Let me feel the beating of your heart. Oh my Jesus. Oh my Jesus." At some point, I decided the song was too sappy and I don't feel that it has been my song in a long time.

There was a man on the team who sincerely has had a real revelation of the Love of God. Every time he talks about God's love, he is overcome with emotion. And with this revelation he has, God has blessed him to be able to give love out in plenty. I was always hearing him tell the Brazilians, adults and children, that he loved them. With deep-felt sincerity. And his presence affected people too. They were blessed. This man began telling me repeatedly how much I was an inspiration and blessing to him and he would passionately pray for me. I received this, but it wasn't until I was home and talked with my friend about all this, that I realized how humbling that is. I have decided to let him inspire me. I know that I need this kind of powerful revelation that he has had about the love of God.

If I really understood the love of God, I would be filled with it and I would have more love to give. I would have no trouble telling the children from the shelter who so desperately deserve to hear it back that, "I love them too." I couldn't do it. I think that I have done so many trips and met so many people, that I have guarded my heart from allowing myself to give love. It is too hard to leave otherwise. But, if I really understood God's love, I would be filled with it, and I would trust that he would fill me back up after I passed on love to others who need love.

If I really understood God's love, I would rest in it. I would look at my present situation differently and would trust that God actually does have the best in mind for me. So yeah, this is where I am trying to get to. Now that I have realized I am not there at all.

O melhor de Deus ainda está por vir. Eu sei que chegará minha vez. Minha sorte Ele mudará. Eu creio.

"Striving for Excellence"...?

...an idea often preached to those involved with church. As a worship leader at mine, it is something that I hear from time to time after other worship leaders come back from visiting some other big church or from one of those many annual worship conferences. I was recently pleased to receive a link to this article on the topic from our pastor.

Post-Europe Trip Reflection #4: Bless-ed Driving

10 July

The drive got off to a bit of a shaky start, leaving St. Gallen. It was time for our first fill-up of diesel. At this point, we were realizing what an amazing vehicle we were given! It was quite difficult to find a station that would take our Canadian credit cards however. We ended up using some final Swiss francs to get ourselves set until we found another station. And again, went in the wrong direction from the Autobahn and started driving up a mountain. Oops. Once we got back on track (which included driving around a roundabout a few times as we deliberated which was the correct exit to take), it didn’t take long to arrive at the Austrian border!

We didn’t even have to stop, but chose to in order to get our passports stamped by both the Swiss and the Austrians. Again, the signage wasn’t great, but we were able to locate the place to buy our Vignette which would allow us to use Austrian roads. This one was 8 Euros versus Switzerland’s being 40 Francs! Not much for what was soon to become one of our most picturesque drives.

I would say on this particular day, the realities of travel, driving confusion, little sleep, four women together, etc. we found ourselves in an interesting place. The drive through Austria was a quiet one at times as we each took in the grandeur outside of our windows and mulled in our own thoughts. Up until this time, the majority of music played was my various mixes of Nineties tunes, yet on this day, it seemed fitting to play a little something more contemplative. This meant popping in "Nobody's Got It All Together" by Jill Phillips, then "Behold the Lamb of God" by Andrew Peterson and others and then the one mix cd I had along of more worshippy stuff (of course including some tunes by Rich Mullins, U2...). For me, music is huge. Nature is huge. Combining the two is huge-er. Despite what was going on for me inside, I could not help but sing out songs as I looked at the brilliant creation around me.

I didn't really get any shots that do this drive justice. It was a drive surrounded by mountains, some of them snow-capped and some of them church or monastery (I think?)-capped.

It just got more and more thrilling as we entered Italy. More mountains and then gradual rolling hills filled with vineyards and olive groves. So many old, old clay tiled-roofed homesteads. Such amazingly placed orchards and vines, making the best use of the steep mountain landscape.

The roads were a little thrilling as well! Very high up lots of times and filled with Italian drivers! Today I can proudly say that I drove in Italy, successfully! As tricky and frustrating as it could be sometimes (particularly their seeming impatience with you to move back over after you've passed someone, even before you could see the car you were passing in your mirror!), I just let myself join in on the aggressive style. One thing I happily give the Europeans overall with their driving is their actual understanding of the concept of passing (or as the British say, "Overtaking"). A pet peeve of mine in Canada is drivers who remain in the middle lane, never moving right. Always move right! Isn't that what we were taught?! The Europeans do it! (Even if they insist you do it before you feel that it is safe to do so!)

By the time we got to Verona, I started to tire, but driving in the city is a little intense and the others were hesitant to just start out their own Europe driving experience in that setting, so I carried on. Again, we had a lesson in the difference in direction-giving. We were reading the directions from the website of Ca del Rocolo, the rural Bed & Breakfast we were staying in (advertised as Agriturismo) and well, it becomes somewhat of a game. Going on instinct. "Turn...here! Yes, here!" "What's 'here'?" "Right. I mean, left!"

Honestly, if you want a taste, check this
out! Pay close attention to Direction #9!!

Yes folks, we were driving up a mountain again. This time a mountain road that narrowed the higher we got. Narrowed to the point where it could only fit one vehicle. And sure enough, we met another on its way down! (Picture this. Four exhausted women. Driving up a mountain with a large (and beautiful) drop-off to the right. Trying to follow a paper of directions. Hungry. Tired. Anxious. Nervous. Tense.) Fortunately, maybe because there was another car behind us, the car we met did the reversing to the closest spot where the road widened enough for them to fit into. And we carried on up. Did I mention that I stalled at the beginning of our ascent?! Sigh.

Eventually, we all came tumbling out of our car and beheld the wonder that was to be our home for two nights! It really was great. Maybe for some, not worth the harry drive to reach, but I was in favour. Our host graciously picked us some tomatoes, eggplant, peppers, onions and garlic from her garden, gave us some mozzarella, Parmesan, pasta, olive oil (home grown) and wine and we had one of the most fulfilling meals ever. I was so thankful for my friends at this point who stepped up to make this meal while I plopped on the big nice bed in our room of cute wooden doors and shutters.